First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
