I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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