and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
