ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
try to milk me bitch
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
