What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize