Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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