I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
