I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I want you more than these girls want KFC
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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