Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
