Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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