I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
