I think i peed on brittanys purse
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
