happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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