I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
