Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
