i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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