I cannot find my penis.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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