i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Terrible idea I love it
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
