trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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