if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
