you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
my liver is dry heaving
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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