i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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