my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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