if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
