fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
