I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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