i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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