He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
