My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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