The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
