Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
