We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
