Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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