I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
