Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
