if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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