I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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