fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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