The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
