life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
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