I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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