I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
