I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
