If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
