I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You are the jesus of drinking
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
