Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
