Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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