i was born a porn star she said
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
