I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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