How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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