He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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