I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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