I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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