Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
